More than I can running bare

You don't know what it means to turn up to a well organized hash run with the warm friendly faces of your fellows welcoming you to a night of fun and frivolity. I will tell you what it means: you have turned up at the wrong f$%king event.

Running Bare turned up late. He would be late for his own funeral - something we are going to put to the test real soon. As it turned out he had an indecent excuse: he had been combing his pubic hairs because he thought he was the "hair" for the night.

Love Bra quickly brought order from chaos and was about to bring something else out but was prevailed upon in the name of all that is holy, to restrain himself. After a few more minutes of this kind of drivel there was a spontaneous eruption of hasherdom. Spurting toward the start like a man who has just had his prostate re-bored, the hashers moved as one.

The collection of onlookers gave encouragement from the sidelines like "f%5k off you wankers!!" and other supportive statements.

First Checkpoint

Cinderalla and Trust Me arrived at the first check which was up near the Synagogue. Trust Me was heard to enquire of the two armed guards in what he thought was good Hebrew, "votre grenouille a mangé mon déjeuner" which is actually French for "your frog ate my lunch". Anyway, about the time the guards started shooting, Cinderalla yelled out "On On" and Trust Me escaped with his life (oh well...).

Following a poorly marked trail the runners found themsleves caught in the middle of the pristine forests (or rather "pisstine" due to leaking sewer pipes) of West Gordon. The excitement proved too much for All Day and Frosty. Hand Job quickly leaped into action and made Frosty do up her Running Bra (no, not a cross between Running Bare and Love Bra, yuk). So All Day was saved from a bad case of lactose intolerance.

etc, etc until we got to:

The Port Stop

This is where the visitors came into their own. They seem to have picked up some bad manners from the Harriets as they proceeded to drink themsleves insensible (mostly on water) and have polite conversation with several of the Wanderers. Thank goodness the Wanderers (eg Osmosis, Hand Job et al) remembered their hash manners and got so pissed they were unable to carry out their normal duties of carrying back the equipment.

The runners (Running Bare, Trust Me and Cinderella) saved the day by sending the walkers packing whilst they finished off all the grog and still managed to beat the walkers home even though they are a pack of short-cutting bastards.

The Circle

It was here that those who had not previously disgraced themselves stepped up to the plate. Because of censorship laws I cannot describe what hapenned and also I can't remember having taken a bad musk stick at the port stop. Suffice to recite the names and tremble: Flesh Gordon, No Way, Sin Quick, Fookarwee, PlugHer, R Sole and some others who shall remain anonymous because they paid me a few bucks to keep them out of it.

Prick Of The Week

We had some terrible news at the circle. Brengun has died of blood poisoning from the POTW shirt. They said when they first tried to bury him he objected claiming he wasn't dead. They thought for a moment and remembered what a filthy liar Brengun was and buried him promptly. Naturally we were all very sad to hear they buried the f$%king shirt with him. That shirt will be missed.

On On and In and Out

The chef was flown in fom Thigh Land for the occasion. She had the nicest pair of thighs I had seen in some time but when I clapped eyes on her breasts I knew straight away I would order the chicken curry. Within about 5 minutes of first arrival the complement reached critical mass. You can tell when this happens because all the other patrons become critical, push back their chairs in digust and start saying things like "that really is beyond the pale" or "F#$%k off you wankers" depending on whether they come from Roseville or Lindfield.

The wine flowed freely, at least down Ozi's greasy gullet. Those of us within the splash zone managed to get keep up a maintenance dose though. Finally came time to pay the bill. Thank heavens I was able to piss off through the dunny window.

All in all a completely shithouse night was had by all. We will be back next week for something worse.

Anon